Fallen Angels: Άρνηση του οργανισμού

Δευτέρα 28 Απριλίου 2014

Άρνηση του οργανισμού

Προσπαθώ να ξεσπάσω. Εδώ και μέρες. Και όσο και αν το θέλω πάντα σταματάω. Δεν ξέρω γιατί. Κάτι με κρατάει και δεν επιτρέπει τα δάκρυα να κυλήσουν από τα μάτια μου. Ενώ νιώθω πως το χρειάζομαι. Και ξέρω πως θα νιώσω καλύτερα όταν το κάνω, αλλά δεν μπορώ.
Σήμερα μετά τον πρώτο καφέ που πήγα το μεσημέρι, ήθελα να περάσω να ανάψω το κερί από το φαναράκι του ανθρώπου μου. Έτσι πήρα τον φίλο μου που ήθελε να έρθει μαζί μου, και περπατήσαμε μέχρι εκείνο το σημείο. Όλα τα κεράκια ήταν αναμμένα βέβαια και παρατήρησα πως μέσα είχαν βάλει μία τράπουλα. Και γύρω γύρω ήταν γεμάτο γλαστράκια με λουλούδια. Πόσους πολλούς ανθρώπους είχε που τον αγαπούσαν! Και αυτό το καταλαβαίνει ο καθένας που θα περάσει από εκείνο το σημείο. Είναι γεμάτο με πράγματα που έχουν αφήσει διάφοροι άνθρωποι που τον αγαπούσαν και τον αγαπούν ακόμα.
Θέλω και εγώ να του αφήσω κάτι εκεί. Λίγα λουλούδια, ένα κεράκι, κάτι. Κάτι από μένα. Σκέφτηκα να αφήσω και ένα πακέτο από τα τσιγάρα που κάπνιζε. Ένα πακέτο "Karelia Blue".
Με μια πολύ καλή μου φίλη που της μίλησα σήμερα για όλο αυτό μου είπε να κάνω ότι νιώθω. Ότι νιώθω ότι θέλω να του αφήσω να το πάω. Και έτσι θα κάνω. Θέλω πριν φύγω να του αφήσω κάτι. Διαφορετικά δεν θα είμαι καλά με τον εαυτό μου.
Και μετά από όλο αυτό, ήθελα τόσο πολύ να κλάψω αλλά πέρα από ένα δάκρυ δεν μπορούσα να "βγάλω" τίποτε άλλο. Γιατί να με εμποδίζει το ίδιο μου το σώμα να ξεσπάσω; Γιατί ο ίδιος μου ο οργανισμός να αντιδρά και να μην με αφήνει να το βγάλω από μέσα μου; Γιατί το σώμα μου να αρνείται να παράγει δάκρυα ενώ τα χρειάζομαι τόσο πολύ; Δεν ξέρω αλλά νιώθω λες και με κάποιο τρόπο με εκδικείται ο ίδιος μου ο εαυτός.
Πραγματικά, κάθε φορά σκέφτομαι το ίδιο και το ίδιο πράγμα: "Και τι δε θα έδινα να είχα έστω 3 λεπτά να μπορούσα να του μιλήσω. Να είχα αυτή την ευκαιρία...."

5 σχόλια:

Λίζα2 Μαΐου 2014 στις 5:56 μ.μ.
Στην ανάρτηση σου γράφεις δύο από τα χειρότερα συναισθήματα: να θες να ξεσπάσεις και να μην μπορείς και να θες μια τελευταία ευκαιρία να μιλήσεις με κάποιον αγαπημένο που έφυγε και δυστυχώς είναι αδύνατο..τα έχω περάσει και τα δύο. Ειδικά το τελευταίο, ακόμη και σήμερα βλέπω στον ύπνο μου ότι χτυπάει το κινητό μου και στην αναγνώριση γράφει "γιαγιά"(σου έχω πει ότι ακόμη δεν βρήκα το θάρρος να σβήσω τον αριθμό του κινητού της απ' το τηλέφωνο μου; ή ότι έχω πάρει πολλές φορές τον αριθμό μέχρι να ακούσω ότι ο αριθμός δεν αντιστοιχεί πλέον σε συνδρομητή;)

Συμβουλή μου να του πας το δώρο που θες, θα νιώσεις κι εσύ καλύτερα.
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Daemons

The devil's at his strongest while we're looking the other way, like a program running in the background silently, while we're busy doing other sh1t. Daemons, they call them. They perform action without user interaction. Monitoring, logging, notifications. Primal urges, repressed memories, unconscious habits. They're always there, always active. We can try to be right, we can try to be good. We can try to make a difference, but it's all bullshit. 'Cause intentions are irrelevant. They don't drive us. Daemons do. And me? I've got more than most.

Said...

I think everybody’s weird. We should all celebrate our individuality and not be embarrassed or ashamed of it. - Johnny Depp
It’s better to burn out than to fade away. – Kurt Cobain
Who said nights were for sleep? – Marilyn Monroe
We only see two things in people, what we want to see and what they want to show us. – Dexter Morgan
To have been loved so deeply, even thought the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever. – J.K. Rowling
Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I really need it. – Swedish proverb
Truth is everybody’s gonna hurt you. You just gotta find the ones worth suffering for. – Bob Marley
I think a lot but I don’t say much. – Anne Frank
You don’t get another chance. Life is no Nintendo game. – Eminem
Have you ever noticed the saddest person always has the most beautiful smile? – Kid Cudi
Never think about something wrong you did in the past, always look forward with your head high; Have no regrets – Jared Leto
Just because you failed once doesn’t mean you’re going to fail at everything. – Marilyn Monroe
Whatever you are, be a good one. – Abraham Lincoln
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls, the most massive characters are sealed with scars. – Khalil Gibran
There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s a lot wrong with the world you live in. – Chris Colfer
Always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will sweetie? – Marilyn Monroe
I desire the things which will destroy me in the end. – Sylvia Plath
My darling you can’t see it, can you? How like the moon you are. Both of you so timid in yourselves; hiding pieces from the world. Then, there are those rare moments when you both are full, and it becomes so hard to look away. You are beautiful. – Alexandria Drzewiecki
It is only with the heart that one see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eyes. – Le Petit Prince
You don’t need religion to have morals. If you can’t determine right from wrong, then you lack empathy, not religion – Anonymous
In dreams we enter a world that is entirely our own. – Albus Dumbledore
Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. – Kurt Cobain
Nobody dies a virgin. Life fucks us all. – Kurt Cobain
Quiet people have the loudest minds. – Stephen Hawking
I believe whatever doesn’t kill you simply makes you stranger. – Heath Ledger
Having tattoos..It’s a way of suffering for the things that mean a lot to you. – Amy Winehouse
Humans have a knack for choosing precisely the things that are worst for them. – J.K Rowling
One person’s craziness is another person’s reality. – Tim Burton
People cry not because they’re weak. It’s because they’ve been strong for too long. – Johnny Depp
Monsters are real, ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win. – Stephen King
I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not. – Kurt Cobain
Thoughts can leave deeper scarring than almost anything else. – J.K. Rowling
Hell is empty. All the devils are here. – William Shakespeare
The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. – Edgar Allan Poe
Life is nothing if you’re not obsessed. – John Waters
Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes. – Charles Bukowski
Don’t put your happiness in other people’s hands. They’ll drop it. They’ll drop it every time. – C. Barzak
I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person. – Audrey Hepburn
Maybe we feel empty because we leave pieces of ourselves in everything we used to love. – R.M. Drake
You don’t have a Soul. You are a Soul. You have a body. - C.S. Lewis
Despite all my external wounds, my heart was probably gonna take the longest to heal. And I was tired of the pain. – Jenna Hammilton
Sometimes it feels better not to talk at all, about anything, to anyone. – Walter White
No matter where we go, we take ourselves and our damage with us. So is home a place we run to or is it a place we run from? – Dexter Morgan
I’m not sure of what I am. I just know there is something dark in me. And I hide it. – Dexter Morgan
Things change. Doesn’t mean they get better. – Dr House
If someone tells you to change yourself, tell them to go fuck themselves. – Ed Sheeran

For you...

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
I would give the very breath from my chest
To give you all the things that my mind couldn't bear
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I'd love to walk away and pull myself out of the rain
But I can't leave without you
I'd love to live without the constant fear and endless doubt
But I can't live without you
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

- My Immortal, Evanescence

To my beloved sister...

Aren't you somethin' to admire?
'Cause your shine is somethin' like a mirror
And I can't help but notice
You reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and
The glare makes me hard to find
Just know that I'm always parallel on the other side

'Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass
I'll be tryin' to pull you through
You just gotta be strong

'Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy
Comin' back here to you once I figured it out
You were right here all along

It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making two reflections into one
'Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

Aren't you somethin', an original
'Cause it doesn't seem merely assembled
And I can't help but stare, 'cause
I see truth somewhere in your eyes
I can't ever change without you
You reflect me, I love that about you
And if I could, I would look at us all the time

'Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass
I'll be tryin' to pull you through
You just gotta be strong

-Mirrors, Justin Timberlake

Aren't you somethin' to admire, cause your shine is somethin' like a mirror
And I can't help but notice, you reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and the glare makes me hard to find
Just know that I'm always parallell on the other side

Fallen Angels

Δευτέρα 28 Απριλίου 2014

Άρνηση του οργανισμού

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